My Private Little Retreat

I love being in his arms and listening to his heart beat. I love standing up next to him and raising my heels to kiss him even though I don’t have to.

When you start to really know someone, all his physical characteristics start to disappear.

You begin to dwell in his energy, recognize the scent of his skin.

You see only the essence of the person, not the shell.

That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, and want to own it. You can love it with your eyes & your body but not your heart.

And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.

摔得粉身碎骨 讓我記得 我飛的有多高

I'm now at the age and stage whereby I wanna find a nice boyfriend and settle down. No more dramas, no more flings and players.

I think my past relationship matured me and made me realise what I want in my boyfriend, and what kind of guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. In the past I would just date whichever guy that comes along and tells me that he likes me. And I could break up in an instant and go with another guy within 30 minutes. I found it so easy to fall in love. And now I realised that wasnt love. That was more like a crush or plainly put, it was just a temporary attraction.

However, I think my last one was true love, and though it didn't work out eventually, I emerged from the failed relationship with valuable lessons learnt, realised the importance to always love myself, and never to give a guy everything before marriage. Most importantly, I grew up a lot. At least now I learnt to appreciate how much responsibilities and dedication and compromissary  the four letters LOVE contains. So now, though there are still lots of guys chasing me, I know what I want and I've learnt to say no and stopped dating every guy because I realised eventually I'm just wasting both of our time. Now I'm just waiting for the right guy to come along and preparing myself so when that time comes, I would be ready to commit and fall deeply into love once again.

For the time being, singlehood is good enough (:

oh and did i mention, my fucking bitch of a mom threw my phone onto the ground today and the impact was so big that my phone flew out of its protective cover and sustained numerous deep cuts. fuck my mom!!! all along ive been careful with it and making sure i keep in intact and today's blow overwrote all my hard work for the past  8 months.

fuck my mom.

anyway, I ordered pizza and cheese beef balls for dinner!!! i think its some sort of retail therapy. just now i chanced by this:

Optimism. I need it so bad right now.

I think my mum's damn unreasonable. I've got a few clothes and bra pieces missing since CNY. And when i asked her about them she said she never saw them. And then just now i found some under the piano chair and under the piano. Straight away I knew it was her. I confronted her and she said,"you have to blame yourself for not keeping them away properly. I'm just helping you to store them in proper places"

WTF RIGHT! and before that she told me to remove my bag and file i left on the sofa. I was hell tired yesterday after getting home so i put them on the sofa before bathing and heading to bed. anyway, so i went to get them from the sofa, AND FOUND HER SITTING ON THEM, MY BAG, AND MY OFFICE DOCUMENTS WHICH I HAD TO COMPLETE. and the documents were totally ruined and wrinkled from the sitting on them.

I GOT SO FUCKING MAD AND SHE DID IT ON PURPOSE.

so we quarrelled.. i was just about to go out for tuition at that time and she had already agreed for me to use the car. anyway she got damn mad about me scolding her for sitting on my documents and she went into a frenzy. she fucking started hitting me and threatened me and told me to return the car keys.

like wtf

ok im still too fucking pissed now. shall blog later when im more clamed down

My grandpa passed away this morning.

R.I.P grandpa. I love you

i started mapling about 1 month ago. through it, i got to know a friend 'Boon'. I never really noticed him. To me, he was just a random friend in my Buddy List who also happened to be best friends with my fling in maple, Czar. So everytime im bored, i would go find him and watch him train. Sometimes he would come find me. A few days back when i went to find him:

then suddenly, the server crashed so we started talking on MSN. At first all we talk about is me and czar. i would ask him to czar things like how he felt about me and stuffs. but then slowly we got to know each other better and sparks began to fly. We started chatting on Ventrilo and then gradually, we started talking non stop to each other every single day. He is in the states now so there's a 13 hours time difference between us. So i always stayed up till 5-6am to chat with him and he would do the same to me too. I don't know how to explain but a special connection formed between us and we started feeling a little bit more than friends towards each other. Then, i couldnt keep my mind off him anymore.

Day in, day out its just him on my mind. wake up first thing is to on my laptop to chat with him. he did the same to me too. he seem to know me so well.. he seem so sweet, so understanding. plus he was such a good friend in maple, always defending me, helping me..

Boon is from Dominican Repulic. Thus he speaks Spanish mostly and when he speak english, he has this cute accent. his voice is perfect: deep and matured. He is kinda black and when i first saw his picture i thought he was a nigga. But he is not; he is spanish.

here are a few pictures of him:

when he is still a kid:

I don't know what will happen in the future but as for now im pretty much addicted to him. for now, he is my best friend who i can talk to regarding my problems. For now, he is a good form of distraction

(:

Just hung up with my dad. He took a long leave and flew over to Beijing to be with my Grandpa. It was heartbreaking cause my dad just completed 2 operations this week in Xi An(by himself) and he put the 3rd one on hold cause my grandpa's health suddenly took a turn for the worse. My dad hid the operations from everyone in Beijing cause he didnt want my Grandma or other relatives to worry when they already had so much to worry about. Thus he chose to do it alone in Xi An and not Beijing. And straight after 2 operations he had to deal with such a blow and fly down to take care of his dad when his own health is not in top shape. So now its like 2 knives stabbing me bluntly straight at my heart.

My grandpa is in a very bad shape now. He couldnt eat any more. He just sleeps all day like in a coma. He'd wake up for a few seconds at times and then drift off again. He shit and pees right after he takes in food or water which means his digestive system is screwed. And he would shit any time, anywhere and he would be blur and uses his hands to touch them and then smear it on his hair, bed etc etc. My dad told me a few days back Grandpa shit a shitload of fishy and disgusting stuffs which means that his intestines are fucked up already.

To cut a long story short, my grandpa is going. Very soon. My dad says now its just waiting for the time to come.

For the first time, I heard such deep sorrow in my dad' voice. It was like he's gonna cry. I was trying damn hard to force my tears back too and try to sound normal. I miss my grandpa. We were so close. Last time I wanted to be a model and he went to dig up loads of information and newspaper articles, cut them up and tell them to me. He would check up my favourite TV programme's timing and inform me about it. He knows that I've got asthma and he would always share his experiences and knowledge(he has it too) about it with me. He gave me valuable advices. He brought me to eat KFC..

Then the next thing I knew, he had gotten the Alzheimer's. Most of the time he just forgets everything and everyone. He could not be left alone cause he kept getting the key and go out and get lost. A few years back, news somehow got leaked to him that I was going back to Beijing. He got really blur and he thought that I was already in beijing and refuse to go see him. So he decided to come find me. He somehow got the house keys, unlocked the door, sneaked out and took a bus. My grandma found him missing in the morning. She was in so much panic and together with a few other relatives, they proceeded to look around the whole of Beijing for him.

Finally during evening time, they got a call from the police station and they've got him.

Turned out that my grandpa forget where his house is, what he was doing outside and a nice stranger found him and brought him to the police.

Many more of such dramatic accidents happened in the next few years.

And now, it is time.

I asked my dad if i could fly back to see my grandpa off. I would really like to do that. I want to be there by his side. I want to look at him and remember how he look like. But my dad told me no, they have enough on their hands as it is. Me flying over wouldnt help in anything.

So now im just bracing myself for that phone call from Beijing. To let me know that it's over.

I wish it would never come.

Ive been thinking a lot. About my past failed relationship, my current state and what my life has become. And I realised how horrendously off-course I've steered myself in the past years.

It's good time that i stop taking everything for granted and start counting my blessings. I also have so much to improve on. My temper always hasn't been good. I still remember how i flared up in secondary school and hung up on Serene on the phone. Then it started getting worse and PMS wasn't a help either. I'm impatient, bad tempered, controlling and demanding. To top it all off, I started getting lazy and slacking my way through school.My grades sucked, I started throwing my temper as and when I like it, I took things for granted... and I lost the person I love the most in my life.

got to buck up now. time to change this rotten person I'm now to the good old me (:

ganbatte

Its been almost 4 months since I last saw him, but I really still miss him so badly no matter how hard i try to forget

he is still very much part of my life.. not physically, but he wanders into my mind all the time.. I'm always wondering how is he now, which unit did he get into, is he in stagmount camp?, hows army for him now, is his back injury still bothering him, is he still playing golf, how's his mum, how's his dad, how's his life.. i really miss him so much and the memories just kept flooding back..

i really cannot comprehend how he could do this to me.. i really thought we had a very very strong relationship.. we've been through so much together.. yes we do fight and have disagreements, but what we went through was what no one else could understand or feel.. there were so many ups and downs and we held hands tightly and braved through all.. the most memorable incident has to be our first honeymoon on our way back to Singapore.. we took almost 11 hours to get back.. we were broke and we didnt have money for the tolls.. so we took the small roads and kept getting lost.. Most of the time we were just flying on isolated and narrow roads with forests that stretch on forever on both sides.. as the sky darkens, i panicked as i need to get home since my parents didnt know i was in malaysia.. John drove even faster hoping to get us home soon.. but we kept on getting lost.. it was a nightmare for both of us..we were lost, we had a police car chasing after us, we didnt have money on us, it was getting late and we were both famished and he must be tired after all the driving.. but we had each other and really, thats all that mattered.. I remember looking at him, seeing his intense face concentrated on the road in front.. we were listening to our favourite english songs on loop.. it was really the happiest thing to have him beside me.. it was so enjoyable just watching him, watching him drive, watching him change gear, watching him frown when there's a slow car ahead of us, watching him check the mirrors.. really, no matter how dire a situation can be, all i need is him to be beside. his very presence comforts me and I have my complete trust in him to protect me and take care of me..

that time, he brought me back to Singapore safely.. that experience was not something that could be described in words. that experience could only be felt by the both of us deep within our hearts.. that, i believe, kicked start our romance..

we went through so much more after that.. his taxing golf tournaments; his subway shop in school; the incident when my dad saw my vagina photos and John took a cab down from his grandma house to come accompany me and we walked for a long long time in his estate and that time, i felt like the happiest girl on Earth to have him brave the storms with me; the time i had a horrible nightmare in genting and i remember waking him up and crying and he was comforting me in the middle of the night; another time he had a nightmare and his call woke me up and told me about the demons in his dream and we chatted till he calmed down; lying on his balcony and cuddling and seeing the shooting star together on the eve of Valentines Day; bonding with his family by shopping together, having meals together, washing dishes, helping with the laundry; him bonding with my family through a meal at Lemon grass restaurant; seeing him win the award for his golf competition and i remember being so proud of him; him buying a huge bucket of durians back from malaysia and we pigged out in his living room on them; him buying coconuts back and he chopped them up bravely in the kitchen; rollerblading together and him teaching me how to blade; sneaking out from my house at 12mn every single day to meet him downstairs and go to his house; him bringing me to watch my fav Utd matches; having sex for the first time; having sex without condom for the first time; bathing together; swimming together; zoo trip; night safari trip; our 2nd honeymoon; traumatic experience on the roller coaster; having fun in bumper cars; having a very romantic supper after playing in the theme park eating our fav food; the joy of patching up ater every quarrel; climbing the bukit timah hill together; him enlisting in army and sending him off in tekong; the hellish 9 weeks for me, especially when he is confined during weekends; going to sembawang country club with him and his dad and watch him practice at the driving range while i sit and nibble at my Mac burger and fries; eating buffet together and having a crazy time eating oysters; cycling our butts off at east coast and having a blast of a time; night walks at the yacht jetty and walking all the way to the light house hand in hand, admiring the luxurious yacht and when we reached the end, i would lean against the railing and we would hug; him bringing me to wild wild wet and him pushing me rounds after rounds in the lazy river; watching lots of movies together cuddling each other and now and then i would lean in for a kiss; smelling his cigg smell mixed with perfume on his shirt; going to church with him and countdown for 2009; church steamboat dinner; stroking and massaging his head and neck while he drives; him helping me wear my seatbelt and adjusting my chair back in the car when im too tired or drunk; waiting for each other after school to go his house together; him picking me up at my tuition places; bringing me to eat my favourite beef noodles; go to his POP with his mummy and felt so proud to see him march past; him bringing me shopping; him surprising me with yummy tiramisu, best in the world (: ; him cooking for me; us playfully nudging each other's feet under the table while we are dining together with his family; exchanging glances in the car through the rearview mirror in his car when he is driving and his parents are around; going to his grandma house every sunday and enjoying the delicious food and soup; lying on the bed together with our face real close and stare widely and each other's eyes; him licking me all the time; me giving him huge 'J" and 'E' 'tattoos' on his back which got him into quite a bit of trouble with his dad; him turning up at the coffee shop below my house cause he knew i was there watching soccer; the way the protects me from inhaling other people's 2nd hand smoke by exchanging seats with me so i would be further away from it; introducing me to pina colada and strawberry magaritta; the deeeeelicious portobello mushroom at Cafe 211 plus the tiramisu which he had wanted bring me for since sec 3; Ben and Jerry's at dempsey; him sending me to the airport and promising he would wait for me to come back...

we've been through so much yet we never really had a closure..

i miss you John, I really do

i hate my mum

she's always being a bitch to me and do the most fucked up things ever. when can she learn to fking GROW UP??? she's always taking money out of my wallet and when i go out and buy something and when making payment i realised that i have zero cash left in my wallet and its such a emabarrassment and MY MUM NEVER SEEM TO UNDERSTAND HOW BITCHY SHE IS BY DOING THIS ALL THE FUCKING TIME

and she knows im going to malaysia tomorrow and i had asked qi yuan to exchange ringgit for me and i need to pay her back tomorrow AND TODAY SHE FUCKING TOOK OUT ALL THE MONEY WHICH IVE PREPARED IN MY WALLET. LUCKILY I FOUND OUT. AND SHE FUCKINGLY HID HER BAG AND HER WALLET SO I WOULD HAVE NOWHERE TO GET CASH

WTF????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

its now 12.30am and its just 8 hours away fro  meeting qi yuan and im desperately in need to find a way out

fuck, she better give me back the cash tomorrow

P.S. and cant those lizards fucking grasp the idea that MY SHAMPOO BOTTLES ARE NOT THEIR TOILETS???????????????????????? STOP SHITTING ON THEM TWICE A DAY ALREADY!!!!!

my cousin is now teaching all of the China Table Tennis National team English!!!

WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

in fact, he'd been teaching them for the past 3 months!!

WE ARE TALKING ABT THE CHINA TEAM HERE!!! THE NUMBER 1s IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway, i told him im STILL single and he told me he will help me introduce a few guys!!

WOOT!!!!

so he sent me a group photo he took with the first team guys and i circled out all the potential boyfriends:(my cousin is somewhere in the middle, first row, in white)

Wang Li Qin is the tall guy right beside my cousin. Beside him is Malong, 2nd in the WORLD. Then Wang Hao, world number ONE. Malin top left, beside are Chen Qi(world 7th) and Hao Shuai(World 8th)

all SO DAMN CUTE!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA :D

today Qi Yuan had her driving test at BBDC. Yesterday on the phone i jokingly said to her,"its really fun(to mount the curb), you can try". Cause she never mounted one in her life and she never even stuck any before.. Though i said that to her, in my heart i knew she would pass. She surely would

I offered to go down to support her today. I've been through that and i remembered what a bundle of nerves i was on my test day.. i was suffocating under the pressure and the tension. It was really pretty unbearable and that time i was wishing I had someone there for me.

But she rejected my offer. Maybe cause i joked that i would bring a cheerleading team down with huge pom poms and banners with her name. Maybe cause she thought it would be easy and the nerves would be no problem to deal with.

But today she texted me with a simple,"I failed. I was too nervous."

What? Wait. Are you serious?

At first i thought she was joking. But her next message confirmed it. She accumulated 26 points(how the hell did she manage to achieve that?). I have to admit i was shocked. Every cell in me believe that she would pass with ease. She was still so confident last night!

Also, I had another friend who took her driving test last week at SSLC at ang mo kio. she was telling me that she made a lot of mistakes but the instructor was lenient and everything and close an eye most of the time, but still, she passed! and IMHO, i thought she would fail cause she was not confident in her driving at all and she doesnt dare to go beyond 30km/h. Plus she stall her engine every lesson, sometimes 5 times straight, and once, she was doing the S curve and she mounted the curb 4 times

=x

AND SHE PASSED!

weird.

anyway, I'm meeting Qi Yuan on Thursday for buffet lunch(YAYYYY) and she just texted me to cheer her up on that day cause she's really very upset now. Am thinking of doing her a card or buying her a little something to make her feel better.. Plus she asked me to find the location for the buffet and im stuck on this. :( ive been researching on buffet restaurants for the past 2 days and i still couldnt make up my mind :(

Kuishin bo or Paris? Both places have traces of John so im thinking of just sticking to plain old Sakae..

mummy and daddy are going to Hainan next week to collect the keys for our NEW HOME!! (: and they are gonna furnish it so that we could go there next holidays to frolick in the sea, sun and breeze. This got my blood pumping for the past few days already and Im so looking forward to it. The place is BEAUUUUUUTIFUL!!!!

dad even said that we could go there play a few rounds of golf!!! (: he told my mum to start practising already hahas!!

I'm so damn excited already (: can't wait to go!! plus the area is still under development(the project is under a 2 5-year plan and now its only one year into the first 5-year plan) so not many people are going there yet plus no tourists cause the hotels will only be done 3 years later. So i am already preparing to strip naked and jump into the warm embrace of the sea since the beach is mainly deserted anyways. Plus, the beach is more than 12km long so im sure to find a isolated spot and do my thang (: I havent been swimming in a sea since the langkawi-era. which is like a couple of years back already. i never trust the sea(especially Singapore's) cause its so dirty and salty and filled with weird black charcoal stuffs and sea shells and unknown stuffs plus rubbish. and Singapore's? please. i wouldnt even touch the sea even if u give me a million bucks.. the sea is tainted with oil from the cargo ships which are literally overcrowding the sea surrounding Singapore. however, the hainan one is TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!! it has the BEST SAND IN THE WORLD, BETTER THAN EVEN THE HAWAII ONE!!! and the when you walk in the sand, it SINGS!! and till now, the only two other beaches where sand sings are the Golden Coast in Australia and the Hawaii one. im really really looking forward to burying myself in the sand cause it was really so smooth it feels like feathers.. a expert in sand even said the sand in CWB(clearwater bay, my house area) is soft like snow, WHICH I TOTALLY AGREE! plus its so clean i cant find a trace of non-sand object anywhere along the beach!!!

and the WATER!!! omg.. its so clean and tempting that that time i was there, i felt like drinking it. Honestly! Its clear and clean and CLEAN AND CLEAN AND VERY CLEAN!!!! totally love it.

what im really scared of is that there might be sharks =x seriously!!! I'm always haunted by this idea.. :( or stingrays.. or whales that might swallow me in one gulp.. but still.. the shark idea is the most scary :( i dun wanna get torn to bits by their razor sharp teeth :(

okay anyway, OUR NEW FRIDGE ARRIVED TODAY!!!! (: yayness!!!!!!!!!!!! its simple awesome and looks super high class cause it got those LED lights(used in cars according to them) lighting up everywhere!! and even when im getting cold water or ice from the dispenser also got super chio lights light up!!! damn chio lor!!! i was so pleasantly surprised by it (:

according to mum, this fridge is much smaller than our previous one even though it is already 707 litres, the biggest fridge they have in Best!!.. =x our family really eat too much so we always have so much food everywhere :(

but im totally in love with the new fridge and the whole dispenser concept is damn cool (: plus the design is *smack kips*

<3

oh btw, archaeologists found cao cao's tomb!!! whee!!! im looking forward to them opening qin shi huang's tomb though.. i believe that its gonna be really breathtaking and amazing with mercury all around and diamonds in the roof (: i want that too!!!

God never fails to FUCK MY LIFE UP

hahas yay im celebrating christmas finally!!! after 19 years of staying at home!! not to mention my last christmas was spent at home crying

Gerald, one of my JC friend, ASKED ME OUT!!! i havent been contacting him for years and yesterday he suddenly came to talk to me and asked me out for Avatar 3D and a dinner on Christmas (:

YAY!

but im super sad cause i turned a few other guys down because of this, especially Jin Hui and Alan,who are damn damn sad about not being able to meet me :(

sigh.. maybe its the best way cause i dont want to give him the wrong idea

and just today, another guy, Dyllon started his pursuit for me..

so many guys have been noticing me from facebook and adding me on msn and started asking me out.. and im so glad i met Jin Hui through this way.. Im a blessed girl to have met him, really..

am looking forward to tomorrow and hopefully it wont screw up for me cause from my past experiences, whenever i look forward to something, it ALWAYS screw up DAMN BAD.

actually not much also.. morning staying home to receive my christmas present special deliveries, then Gerald driving down from BISHAN, pick me up and then go to JP for Avatar... we wanted to go town initially but i heard roads are closed and good seats are all gone :( left first 3 rows only..

after the movie we would have dinner together, then he send me back and i would go down to town to meet dian and the guys (:

hopefully kenny would be there (:

and gerald told me just now that he got me a christmas present!! omg!!! thats so sweet!! now im thinking what to get for him =x maybe chocolates??? hmm :(

pls God, pls let the first Christmas im celebrating tomorrow be a joyful one without tears or sadness.. I really want to be happy..

Random pictures and *drum roll* MY NEW FRIDGE!!! :D

all glammed up:

my fridge is super super cool and super high tech!!!<-- kind of

it dispenses ice cubes, cold water AND CRUSHED ICE!!! (: plus it has a LCD DISPLAY!! (:

interior:

exterior:

NICE RIGHT!!! :D

my parents just bought a new house in Beijing.. so now we have 3 freaking houses there lol.. and another in Hainan..

so thats 4 houses in China and 1 in singapore.. hahas

by right we were supposed to buy another one but then due to some miscommunications between my parents, we ended up missing the opportunity. now the price of that condo has risen up 7 folds. WOOOTS!

its insane la and its built in a super pretty estate.. actually i have the picture

this was taken when i was staying at Holiday inn which is right beside it (: chio lor! :(

wished we bought it

gtg for tuition alr (: tata

oh well.. came to clear the cobwebs on my blog.. i used to blog 2-3 times a day and now i barely touch it

=x

been busy with both school, and dating a few guys too

numerous guys are falling for me, sending me roses and chocolates and jewellery every single week. wow, what a change from the John-era where i didnt get a single rose from him ever throughout the 1 year and 1 mnth duration. not quite.. except the bouquet on V day eve which he took back eventually and gave to someone else..

but seriously, these days the most unimaginable guys fall for me.. i was introduced to a friend of mine 2 weeks back.. His name is Irwin.. he looks damn hot! he became my eyecandy the second my eyes fell on him. but there's a problem.. though he looks damn matured(i initially thought he was 23-ish, but he turned out to be 17. OMG!)

and now, he is after me.. at the same time, his friend is after me too..

ops..

but this week ive been a good girl and devoting my time to my stupid projects and elearning work =D

so uber proud of myself cause yesterday i worked from 3+ all the way to 1130pm just to do my Taxation elearning tutorial.. put SO much effort into it la!

was so high after tt (:

my life these days sucked damn bad sometimes but those lovely presents i got from Jin Hui now and then cheered my up big time.. and Zhi Qin is always there for me so its amazing.. its nice to have so matured and thoughtful guys chasing me and looking after me so well..

its great to have someone to encourage you and tell you sweet things when you feel down/emo(here are some things guys say to me):

-wat i meann is u haf e looks and e talents, and u will excel in watever u do

-nope, i m serious

-u r nth short of the word perfect

-u r a reali nice and lovely gal :D

-u will haf a gd bf 2 hu luv u too. dun wori.u r kind and pretty, lotsa guys like that, guys tt e way beta den john. u may be in a hard time nw, bt in e end, u will find wat u r looking for, and then u will definitely be happier den john

-i gtg le, msg mi if der is anything alrite? anytime, anywhere, as long as u need mi

and when i say im not perfect cause ive got a freakish bad temper plus i demand attention 101% of the time:

-no1 is perfect, and is precisely of that, humans need care and attention is juz a matter of 1 needs it more or less

-u r in no obligation 2 do wat others think.u juz haf 2 be u cuz tt is e real u tt every1 luv

-u r pretty, u r thoughtful, educated, devoted, your voice is sweet. when i heard ur voice 4 e 1st time, i was taken aback. reali. ur voice was able 2 express u.. elegant, classy, it left mi dumbstruck. juz hearing ur voice is enuff 4 guys 2 luv u

i love humble guys.. and guys who really put in a lot of effort to do sth for me, but doesn't show it or complain:

-haha, a smile on ur face is worth it, so is no trouble at all

and i like guys when they solve problems themselves instead of whining non-stop to girls..:

-is little tricky, bt i believe i can work it out

~~~~

so, im back on the dating scene (: dont wanna get into a r/s yet cause i feel that i still need somemore time to heal.. just 2 days back at AMK i broke down so badly.. was with MiaoHui after IRAS trip and we went to AMK after tt cause i need to meet Irwin and she stays there.. the stop we alighted was the one John and I alighted once before when we wanted to go to AMK Hub for a massage.. upon alighting, i started crying real badly and freaked everyone out, including all the people around.. =x Miao stayed by my side.. she was supposed to go the other way home but she ran back all the way to accompany me to go AMK hub to make sure that i'm ok. I was SUPER touched by it.

finally i became better upon reaching AMK Hub but at the entrance, there was this guy in Long 4.. the army pixelled uniform.. i burst into tears again and began sobbing uncontrollably into a wall nearby.. attracted numerous curious stares(according to Miao).. after that, went to toilet to clean up and wipe my tears dry.. but just a few steps after i exited the toilet, a guy nearby said into his phone,"Hi John!" Miaohui and I stopped dead in our tracks at that exact moment and she managed to sneak in a 'omg' before the next wave of tears hit me..

so, i guess, i haven't really gotten over him yet.. not even after 2 months and a half.. i just have to keep on trying..

everytime i will remind myself that so many others managed it.. Rihanna did it. She's now my role model. If she could get out of that emotional mess she was in, I could too.

Jiayou! :)

woke up at 10am this morning after sleeping late last night..

ive been sleeping in my parent's room these days cause the TV helps me to sleep.. been having insomnia for far too long..

went out and initially was just planning to get some news paper but in the end i bought back a whole load of stuffs too..

i bought straits times, sunday new paper, a new pail, sugarcane juice, wanton mee, nail polish, hair band, hair clip, polish remover and a whole lot of other stuffs

lol!

came home and washed the light coloured clothes. damn lot of them. vacuumed the floor. cleaned up everywhere..

time passed real fast and soon it was 4pm and i started watching movies online after yefan shared with me a website where i can watch HD movies for free..

rewatched Taken. as nice as ive remembered it to be.. kind of reminded me of John since i caught it with him in the cinema.. been missing him these days.. in fact, ive never stopped missing him..

after that, i went on to watch deja vu under yefan's recommendations. its a nice show and near the end there was a twist in the plot and it was kinda freaky and i was unsure if i want to watch the ending in case it turns out to be really sad so i went to wiki the movie and made sure it's not a sad one before resuming the show

(:

dont really get the whole story though.. the science part confuses me..

its 8pm.. i know i shouldnt, but i really miss John. he should be at his grandma's now.. i miss being at his grandma's house.. i miss being tgt with the rest of his family.. i miss his grandma's cooking..

being alone in singapore really sets me thinking about a lot of things which i shouldnt be thinking about..

i so hope that Mr Right will come along soon and pull me out of this..

i hate having memories with John shadowing my everyday life.. i want to start new memories, happier memories, with a better guy..

feeling so lonely now..

these single days made me realise one thing- I dont need a boyfriend to be happy and lead a meaningful life

Ive been thinking alot for the past week that I'm back. I thought about my relationship with John, what i gained and what i lost. I realised that when i was with John, i was too focused on him. So focused, in fact, that I don't really anyone else, including myself. I stopped making new friends altogether. All that my life is about is meeting John, spending time with John, missing John, talking to John, John, John, John...

Even after he enlist, I had no life. Everyday I go to school as per normal, miss him 99.999999% of the time and not concentrating in lessons and after school, come home and continue to miss him and emo. I even joined a forum so that I can meet more people whose BFs enlisted and chat with them about our love stories. So, from then onwards, I got addicted to that forum since I can blabber none stop about John and no one would stop me. My life started to become like this: wake up 1st thing check handphone for JOHN's message, miss JOHN all the way to school, think of JOHN throughout lessons, research on NS life so i can know what JOHN is going through now when i am not around him, go home from school and all the way missing JOHN, go forum and chat all day about JOHN, at night wait for JOHN's call, receive JOHN's goodnight message to me, reply JOHN a goodnight sms with encouragements, miss JOHN while i drift into dreamland..

i totally negleted my studies and i allowed myself to adjust my life so that my life's all about him

plus, I was a good girl. he told me he is scared that I will leave him while he is in NS. so what did i do? cut off all contacts with other guys. stopped using facebook just cause he doesnt like it. deleted plus blocked all guys that may affect my r/s on MSN. and guai guai wait for his call and sms every single day.it was a sheer torture since he was never here when i needed him, and now he is the one who determines when we talk and when he is busy and cannot talk.. but still, my mind was fixed on loving him and encouraging him and helping him reach greater heights..

so, I have to say, I was a very very loyal girlfriend.

finally, 9 weeks passed and he graduated from POP. the next day i flew to China. he sent me to the airport. i cried a little and he told me to be strong and we could still talk on the phone.. he told me he would pick me up when i return. he promised me he would wait for me. we hugged and we kissed...

and that was our last hug and kiss..

the next thing i knew, he had left me.

~~~~~

these days i thought about it, about all the promises he made to me.. all along, he kept telling me that he's scared. he's scared that i would leave him for someone else. In the end, he did it to me.

i realised he is too selfish. all along, he'd been too selfish. i really dont know why i fell for him. Maybe i was still living in that dreamworld of mine from 4 years ago. Maybe i was too innocent. I thought we could be happy together, like how we were 4 years back. i thought he would still be that sweet and innocent guy from 4 years back. But really, if he didnt change from then, I think we will be the happiest couple alive now.

Reality is harsh. And people do change.

anyway, I've learnt to walk out of my heartbreak and all this mess. I've learnt to move on. I've made new friends and I've gotten back into contact with old friends whom i dearly love. I am a happy girl now.

Today i went to meet ZhiQin for a movie(The Ugly Truth). he reached there early to get the tickets. i made him wait damn long cause i had to have lunch at home with family but he was so sweet and told me to take my time. by the time i reached, he have already bought drinks to bring in to the cinema for us. our movie was ar 2.15pm and it was only 1pm so we walked around PS and chatted about everything..

he told me about army life. i asked him many question about it. i know that all along Ive been trying to pretend that I dont care about John anymore but actually i still do. for an entire hour, i asked ZQ about what happens in Sispec. i learnt everything there's to know about fieldcamps, swamps in forests, navigation tests, route marches, combat rations, admin time, bslc, aslc and whatever not. I want to know what John is going through now so sometimes i can put all the information together and make it into a movie in my mind with John as the main character and i would imagine him doing those things.. This is the only way i can feel him close to me..

After that was the movie. It was funny and engaging but sometimes i got distracted. sometimes i would think to myself,"If John were beside me, we would be laughing at the joke together, then we would look at each other's happy faces and lean in for a kiss." we always kiss alot during movies and i miss those kisses.

the show ended in a sex scene. It reminded me of John again. It was exactly how we had sex. me below and him on top. it made me remember how i enjoyed him inside me. how i loved it when he goes in, out, in, out..

after we left the cinema, i went to the toilet. i fantasized on having sex with John. I closed my eyes and imagined him being inside me. I imagined giving him a blowjob. I imagined us doing doggy-style. i imagined us kissing..

it was nice.

the rest of the afternoon wasnt really eventful. song xia was supposed to come down at 4pm with her boyfriend but she said she would be late. ZQ and i walked around till 5pm and he left while i went to look for diandra at shaw plaza. damn, was hot and a crazy long walk from PS to shaw. got damn exhausted after i reached. Diandra came to pick me up from Marriot and together we went to chill with her 2 friends at McCafe. her friends are sooo sweet. i dont know them but when i reached, one of them straight away asked me if i would like a drink. i rejected him but he insisted. So i let him go buy a caramel frap for me. There was a long queue and i felt really touched when he waited patiently to buy the drink for me in the queue alone.

we chatted till 7pm while i waited patiently for Song Xia. got real bored so the friend suggested we go over to his place which is opposite Taka, right behind Lucky plaza. walked there and chilled at his house which was HUGE. it has freaking 8 rooms! plus everywhere was decorated really nicely.. diandra told me that he's really rich

by 7.35pm, dian got to go so all of us sent her off the the MRT station, then the remaining 3 of us walked to send another friend off at the bus stop. in the end, its just him and I and he told me he will accompany me till Song Xia comes

(:

he is a really cool, sweet and funny guy and it sort of gave me hope that maybe there are really still nice guys around. i told him about John and he commented that John is really such an asshole for the shit he'd given me, even after breakup..

(:

and finally Song Xia and her bf came (: met her at lucky plaza. baded farewell to Him (:

well, SX's bf is a korean and he is really cute and all, but there's this HUGE communication barrage between us. Not to mention between him and SX. so i didnt really talk to him hahas..

we walked to cine and i hung around for a bit longer and left at 9pm cause i dont want to be a huge lightbulb

(:

was sooooo tired already from all the walkings i did today..

shall end here since ive lost the mood to blog.. (:

suddenly, there's an influx of guys wooing me..

date tomorrow with zhi qin.. he is SOOOOO sweet!! he asked me out for a movie which we fixed as The Ugly Truth and he would be going down first thing in the morning cause he scared cant get tickets.. plus he is in Malaysia now so he gonna travel down all the way to meet me!! aww!! and he said he will wait for me in town and i can reach at whatever time i want before the movie which is at 2.15pm

damn sweet right!

(:

and sherman asked me out for another show next friday cause i will only be free on that day. We are gonna watch Surrogates(if its still showing), if not Julie

(:

catching Tsunami with Dian babe next thursday

whoopie

and then, francis who was a student councillor from JJC suddenly added me on MSN and talked to me..:

boyshawn says:
haha
single and available now le agh?

[Ћ²θ³] ﺕ    Pain may be inevitable but remember, suffering is optional. says:
yup

boyshawn says:
then u still will be stressed up wat

[Ћ²θ³] ﺕ    Pain may be inevitable but remember, suffering is optional. says:
hmm
why?

boyshawn says:
烦恼现在很多人要追你

[Ћ²θ³] ﺕ    Pain may be inevitable but remember, suffering is optional. says:
hahahaha
how u know?!

boyshawn says:
你这么迷人可爱，一定很多人追得 (:

~~~~~

lols.. and also, i might be arranging a sentosa date with penny and guys next wednesday. will ask them abt it tmr after they come back from their exchange programme in shanghai

(:

miss them!!!

i accidentally pasted a post-sex naked picture with John cupping my breasts on my msn convo with penny.. it was already too late when i realised and took it off:

You stopped sharing photos

[Ћ²θ³] ﺕ    Pain may be inevitable but remember, suffering is optional. says:
fuck lol
tell me u didnt see it
Penny says:
wth i so did
[Ћ²θ³] ﺕ    Pain may be inevitable but remember, suffering is optional. says:
fuck
Penny says:
thanks arh ...-.-'''
yeah.wtf
[Ћ²θ³] ﺕ    Pain may be inevitable but remember, suffering is optional. says:
lol fuck
Penny says:
i didnt have to see tt
[Ћ²θ³] ﺕ    Pain may be inevitable but remember, suffering is optional. says:
shit
i pasted wrong place
Penny says:
shit?
yeah shit
[Ћ²θ³] ﺕ    Pain may be inevitable but remember, suffering is optional. says:
shit
shit
can u like erase tt off from memory
Penny says:
yeah so trying to?
zz
[Ћ²θ³] ﺕ    Pain may be inevitable but remember, suffering is optional. says:
omg
lol
omg
Penny says:
yeaah continue omg-ing
crp
*crap
must u take such a photo !!
my god

=+=+=+

omg.. lol..this is so embarrassing